TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical growth-slash-luxury housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are conversing Damascus, the town Traditionally noted for ancient culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be huge. Remarkable!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed with the putting eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Several of the greatest. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and totally outside of put. Designed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable drinking water. But Certainly, confident, let's have A further location in which American Adult males can dress in robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While past negotiations failed under the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: offer everyone a suite around the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be tender electrical power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in each device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest famous, "It is not that Trump should not open a tower within a war zone. It is really that he must stop utilizing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the challenge, replied, "You understand, man, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic persons. Great tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential Trump Tower Damascus proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping kinds a large Trump head visible from Area, a function becoming promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and also the chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after discovering the developing's gold plating reflected a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It can be not merely unappealing. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Perplexing Features


Probably the strangest factor on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where by company may possibly ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with weather Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Nearby Syrians are unsure what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing System: "In the event you Bomb It, They'll Appear"


The advertisement campaign, not long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Permanently."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "exactly where's the nearest elevator on the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is currently attracting notice from Global buyers, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll purchase three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree can even contain:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait around to find out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge wherever my PTSD might have switch-down service."


Another put up from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to develop a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Last Views in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It essential gold. It necessary a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave everything 3. You might be welcome."

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